Lost & Found

Lost. Most days I just feel lost. I was certainly not living a perfect life in LA, but I’m finding it very hard to make any life progress here at home. Even simple tasks seem fraught with drama and it’s making me paralyzed, unable to move forward or even breathe. I feel like everything I had pushed away or thought I had gotten over is popping up all over the place and it hurts. It's scary.

The hard truth is I was happier in California. I was more myself there. I can say that here in this space, something I definitely can’t do in my everyday life. They’re so freaking happy I’m home, and they assume I’m happy too. Don’t get me wrong - I am happy, I guess? Or, maybe a better word for what I’m feeling is grateful? I’m grateful I can help my mother, I’m grateful I’m getting to see everyone’s kids grow up, I’m grateful to experience seasons again.

But finding the right job in this city? Much more challenging than I thought. Finding the things I like to do? Food I want to eat? Really hard. I spend so much time worrying about hurting the people I love and how to not blow through my savings that there’s no time to think about the future. My future. Here.  

Part of the problem is that I think I assumed it’d all be so simple. That I’d fit right back into my old life with ease. But I’m a different person than I was when I left. This life is an old wool sweater - super comfy, but a little tight and scratchy. And holy tamoley, is it itching right now!

I think I just have to let it go. Take it off, put it all down, and start fresh. Get to know everyone and everything as I am now and not just autopilot off the past.

Here goes nothing… xo