A Little Less Talk

Just had an epiphany.

As I approach the brink of a big change, I came to realization that I am the storm. I've never fully understood/took any meaning from that quote until just now. There is something about the energy of these moments that I feed off of, and hey - why not run with that for a bit and see what happens?

So, in honor of my little "ah ha" moment, I'm going to try to resolve to not overthink the rest of 2016. No more analyzing things to death, no more being scared, or if I am scared just acknowledge the fear and do it anyway. If I want a bigger life I better start acting like it.

Xo,

Me

Homegoods is my crack.

Heartache. (And why you should see Bridget Jones's Baby this weekend...)

This post might become a weird mash up of feelings, but here goes...

Like all of us, I have had a good amount of heartache (and heartbreak) in my time. But something happened last week that hit me so much harder than I anticipated.

First off, I'm a bit of a Good Luck Chuck in my past relationships. My exes are notorious for marrying the girl they date after me, most of whom are very nice, simple girls - pretty much the opposite of me. (I subscribe to the Carrie Bradshaw/The Way We Were two groups of women theory. If you don't know what I'm talking about, see Sex & The City, S2 Ep18.) I only mention this because the count is now at 12. I also feel the need to mention that I'm the farthest thing from easy, some of my relationships with those guys lasted years, and some of them have since divorced their rebound girls. But still, 12. That's not a fluke. One of my friends said I should write the script about my romantic disasters. If you're wondering how being this woman feels, I'll tell you. It feels a little bit like crap. Or a lot like crap, depending on the day.

Truthfully, I only saw myself marrying one of those men. And even then I felt that feeling. You know what I'm talking about. The one that makes you internally cringe every time you think, "This is what the rest of my life will be like." But he was a good guy, had a good family, and we were happy. I like the idea of having a teammate in life and I've always wanted to have kids. That's where the second part comes in.

My ex just had a baby with his new wife. Now, we broke up ages ago, and I am over him in every way it's possible to be over someone you once loved. But, looking at pictures of him holding this small human? I feel like I've been punched in the uterus. HARD. And it hurts. It's something other than jealousy, but I don't know what to do with these feelings yet and it's freaking me out.

Cut to this week. I was invited to a Bridget Jones's Baby screening on Tuesday and since I was apparently having baby fever, I went. I loved, loved, loved it! Renee Zellweger shone, the jokes hit at the right time (seriously, the entire theater was laughing all the way through the movie), and it was a nice brain break from reality. The plot is slightly predictable, but I promise you you won't care. The movie is time spent with our old friend Bridget and is just plain fun. I can't wait to see it again!

Good Morning, Sunshines!

Morning pep talk -  Be fierce and gorgeous. Take no prisoners. Don't forget to smile and breathe. You've got this.

Fears Within.

“She wasn’t given wings to see the world from a tree.” – Atticus

I quit my job. Scary words, even to type now. My hands shook that Monday morning as I clicked send on that email. It was terrifying. I can’t say that I hadn’t thought about leaving for quite some time (multiple times a day every single day for six months) but actually quitting was completely spontaneous.

There were a lot of issues at my work that I’m not going to mention here, but as someone who is no stranger to depression I can say that I was slipping into dangerous emotional and mental territory. The weight was just too much. So I put it down.

But now… What’s next?

I thought I had another job lined up but it didn’t work out. I know I should be afraid, but I’m not so scared of that part. In my heart, I know exactly what I want and I’m concretely working toward my goals. But, it’s scary.

What if it doesn’t work out? I have no back up plan.

However, I also feel… Honest? Is that crazy? For the first time in 10 years, I’m only doing exactly what I want. Not backburnering my “side” project for other responsibilities. It IS my primary responsibility now. It makes me feel lighter and yet more focused. I guess I’d rather just be a person who does what she wants even though she’s scared out of her mind, rather than wait for the “right” moment. What if that moment never came along? Should I have just waited forever?

So, here’s to leaping without looking. I have faith that my net is going to appear, and that it’s going to be beautiful…

Last Night.

My own bed. My dogs. My Manzo’d With Children & the rest of my DVR. HOME!! FINALLY!! Last night was all about unpacking, decompressing, and pizza. I have been traveling a lot recently, and yesterday was my last day of flying. No more running to make my connections, dealing with delays (one missing screw=loads of drama), or paying $7 for a coffee (Seriously, all airports in the three states I was in? You’re committing highway robbery.).

Don’t get me wrong. I love, love, love to travel. And, I really love, love, love to see my family -  which happened this last trip. But it also brought up a lot of issues that I’ve been pushing down for awhile. Now they're all coming up, and I feel a little lost.

Even though I gladly call L.A. home, it’s hard for me to be apart from my fam and the longer I stay here the harder it gets. Thank God for FaceTime, but sometimes it’s just not good enough. However, when one of my cousins asked me if I was going to stay on the West Coast, I said yes without hesitating. In a way, it’s home now too.

Isn’t that weird how that happens?

Trying something new...

My life is headed in a new direction, and I'd like to try out some new things with the blog as well. I downloaded a list of writing prompts and I'm going to be posting a few of my favorites in the coming weeks. It's a change for me to be so personal in a public forum, but it's exciting too. I hope you like them!

I think I've been here before.

I have dreamed of the same house for the last year. It’s a two-story building in my subconsious’s version of the east side of Los Angeles, albeit a little greener and a with a lot less trash (both actual garbage and the human variety). All my things are already inside – photos line the walls, my dogs run around – it’s a perfect place and it’s mine. My dreams themselves are all a bit varied, but there is one constant. One room never changes. It’s a frightening space. Once, I forgot that it even existed until I wished for a second bedroom (I wish for one in my waking life, too). Then I opened that door. It is dark and dusty and full of cobwebs. Nothing is touched here. It’s too simplistic to believe that it’s every feeling and memory I’ve pushed down. That doesn’t feel right. I don’t know what it is, or what it means, but I do know this – last time I opened it (on a house tour, because of course everyone dreams about entertaining friends ;)  there was less dust. A little more light. So, whatever it means, I’m choosing to believe that it’s good. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see.